


Event Horizons

by faithinthepoor



Series: Firefly [1]
Category: Firefly
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-06
Updated: 2013-01-06
Packaged: 2017-11-23 21:20:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/626636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithinthepoor/pseuds/faithinthepoor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set during Serenity (the pilot rather than the movie)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Event Horizons

Her training and conditioning taught her that there are many forms of power and that she possesses most of them in abundance but that is only true in a place where certain rules are obeyed, out on the border worlds, where they barely even acknowledge that such rules exist, her sort of power means very little. Things here are so different to the world she knew that it is hard for her to believe that she was once in a place where people had respect for her skills, where she was seen as someone of integrity, and where no-one would have dared to accuse her of tampering with her clock. Back than she bathed for enjoyment and indulgence rather than to wash the scent of others from her skin, she stills finds the ritual cathartic but she rarely feels clean. She isn’t ashamed of what she does and despite what Mal says she is not a whore, she sells an illusion of intimacy that happens to, more often than not, include sex but she does not peddle her flesh. While she may understand the difference, it seems that lately a lot of her clients don’t. Sometimes she longs to be more than the tolerated form of legitimacy that grants the crew access to planets that would otherwise be closed to them and she knows that as much as she loves these people, the day will come when that is not enough to keep her on Serenity. None of this matters anymore, it’s not a decision she will ever need to make because within a matter of minutes, they will all be dead. 

The spectre of death hovers over them, it has been chasing for them for days and they can’t keep running from it, it is faster and far more powerful than they are. Their efforts to delay it have only infuriated it and now it’s coming for them with a vengeance that will not be denied. They fed it the law man but that may have stimulated its appetite rather than sated it. While the others do what they can to try and evade its grasp, she is given the task of taking the passengers under her wing. It is an empty gesture, if Serenity doesn’t escape the Reavers, there is no way that her shuttle will. Her role is not so much to protect the Tams as it is to ensure that their deaths are as quick and as humane as possible, if the Reavers don’t blast the shuttle out of the sky she will crash it herself, she can not let them be boarded. Her role is not entirely without purpose but it’s still symbolic of her place on the ship – separate, distant, an outsider given responsibility – if they fall, she falls with them but alone and distinct, still not a real part of the crew, not even in this. It’s not their fault, they probably would have been willing to welcome her into their enclave, they trust her and they care about her in a way that exceeds their symbiotic business relationship but she kept them at arm’s length, believing that she needed her privacy and her solitude, knowing that she couldn’t get too attached because that would only make it more difficult to leave. She regrets that now, sitting in the false opulence of her shuttle offering false reassurance to Simon and River, she wishes more than anything that she were with the others and though she knows that it is not the most charitable thought that she’s ever had, she is envious of Book. It’s not logical, she is where she is because it is the place that she can do the most good but she can’t help feeling that if they are to die, she should be the one by Kaylee’s side not a mercenary and a stranger.

Turning away while Jayne carried an incapacitated Kaylee to the engine room was one of the most difficult things that she has had to do and that’s saying a lot given what she has been through recently. She has barely recovered from the horror of watching Kaylee be shot, actually that’s not true, she will never recover from that. It all seemed to happen in a dream, her mind hadn’t comprehended what had happened, couldn’t accept what she had witnessed but in the haze she somehow yelled and ran and found herself knelling at Kaylee’s side watching the life drain from the most vibrant eyes that she has ever seen. The mechanic’s skin felt so cold, so clammy, so unlike any flesh that she had ever touched before and she felt so impotent and irrelevant, she could do nothing but whisper words of comfort as Kaylee fought for her life and the one person who may have been able to help, to tip the scales from death to life, argued with Mal like a petulant schoolboy. Yelling at Mal may not have been the most sensible thing that she has ever done and if, by some chance, they do manage to survive this it will certainly come back to haunt her but it felt good to do something, however small. 

The surgery itself was strangely calm. She watched Simon and Mal work together like they had never been at one another’s throats and tried not to think about the fact that Serenity’s most valuable cargo was in the hands of a man that had attempted to bargain for his freedom using Kaylee’s life as leverage. She looked only where she was directed but that didn’t stop her noticing that blood seemed to be everywhere. She couldn’t believe one small person held so much, it spread over everything, soaking things, marking them with Kaylee’s essence. She imagined it would flow, like a river of red, but instead it oozed and pooled, it stuck to things, even to the bullet that may have robbed Kaylee of her soul. In that moment it was clear to her that this blood would cling, it would stand fast, it somehow saw the good in everything, even this, and it was prepared to forgive the most unpardonable of crimes; this blood was Kaylee. The men seemed unconcerned, seemed not to notice that Kaylee’s life force was smeared all over them or that it was trapped in the gauze that they casually threw away. She resented their detachment even though she knew that this desensitisation was not innate, that it had been forged by the loss of innocence and hardened in arenas of death. 

The bullet clanged as Simon dropped it into the dish, the sound was amplified by the freakish silence of the infirmary but still far too soft and gentle for an object that had ripped through flesh like it was tissue paper. Damaged skin was sewn back together and with blood still covering his gloved hands Simon announced that there was nothing more to do but wait and see. She was torn, leaving the infirmary with the others felt like a betrayal but watching Kaylee die was something that she couldn’t do either. She tried to carry on as normal, to pretend that the infirmary did not exist but it beckoned her with an intensity that she could not ignore. It seemed no-one was immune to its siren call and the room was often crowded. In the company of others she prayed silently, invoking every power in the verse. She bartered, she bargained and she made all the promises that one makes in earnest when someone they love is dying. In the rare times that she found herself alone with Kaylee, she spoke to her, it wasn’t all kind words and platitudes, she scolded her, told that she shouldn’t be so trusting, told her how angry she was with her for inviting on board the man who would bring about her doom. There were softer moments though, when she was forced to contemplate the enormity of what she might lose, when she stroked Kaylee’s beautiful hair and watched as her own tears landed on skin so pale that it was almost translucent and when she whispered confessions of the kind affection that a Companion was never meant to have, never supposed to feel. Sometimes River was awake and looked at her with curious eyes and while she never asked questions, never spoke anything other than gibberish, she seemed more settled if the interaction with Kaylee was tender rather than stern.

The first time the Reaver ship appeared, it seemed like a macabre blessing. It was an escape from limbo, an outcome with a bitter but definite finality. The box felt light in her hands, the material covering it darker and more detailed than she remembered. She removed the vial and the syringe and held them tightly, certain in the knowledge that she would use them if she had to, her survival instincts muted by the thought of a world without Kaylee. When the ship passed her sense of relief was tinged with regret.

Things aren’t so different now, her prayers were answered and Kaylee was returned to her, she is grateful but now realises that this has come with an extreme price. She swore that she would give up everything if Kaylee would just come through the surgery and the fates are twisted and cruel, they delivered what she asked but are going to take everything she has, including Kaylee, in return. She should have been a lot more specific, she should have asked for Kaylee to live a long and happy life, she should have made it clear that the only life she wanted to trade was her own, it’s probably far too late for any of that now but as Kaylee’s disembodied voice floats into her shuttle, she is tempted to test the fates again. She has nothing left to lose so asks for their lives, all of their lives, and in exchange she promises that she will do her best to be a better person, to ensure that what they do is, if not legal, at least honourable and, above all, to let Kaylee know her true worth. Mal declares that they are out of the woods, that they have achieved the impossible, and with this declaration comes a whole new set of fears. She hopes that she can live up to her side of the bargain because the fates will be watching and she knows that if she fails, death will come swiftly for them all.


End file.
